twas the night before xmas
by ParodyLady
Summary: Have you seen your wife? Her back is broke in three different places and she looks like Quasimodo from behind. Only from behind that's why I don't like standing behind her. rated m.
1. early xmas present

**i own nothing and nothing owns me. i am borrowing stephenie meyer's characters.**

**WARNiNG! this is a parody/crackfic. if you don't like that then turn your ass back around. or read it anyway.**

****the summary: a completely stupid and horrendously written fic following the cullens on xmas eve. the grammar is atrocious. things dont make sense. a 'what the hell fic is this' kind of fic. parody. rated m.****

**there's really nothing else to say.**

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><p>Chapter 1<p>

Edward never changed bella but she survived the birth. its christmas eve and the cullens are celebrating. Seven years later. But since bella was pregnant she doesn't age anymore. she human

"edward i thought i'd give you your present early," bella said sedictively as she limped toward him

"mm, yes darling?" edward put on a smile.

be;la was holding a shiney red box in front of her with the top of the box facing edward. "open the box." she whispered and purred.

edward tried to take the box from her

"NO! I told you to open the fuckin box, not take it!" she hissed.

edwarT stared at her like she was stupid for thirty minutes. "ok." he said and untied the robbion and took of the bow and the duct tape and took off the lid. "what the..."

"surprise!" she yelled and dropped the box and danced.

"when did that get there?" eward said pointing at her bell.y

"I'm pregnant! RENESMEE! CARLISLE! ESME! ALICE! ROSE! JASPER! EMMETT! STEVE! come down heRe everybody!"

everybody but steve were in there faces in less than.00421 seconds. then steve came two minutes later.

"bella if you don't recall...we're kind of vampires...so we kind of already heard the news." emmett rolled his eyes.

"i didn't!" steve said excitedly. he he;ld his hands to his chest and smiled anticipationly.

"renesmee your going to be a big sister!" bella sat down.

Esme smiled.

"mom. don't you already have a permanent gangster lean from when i broke your back when you were pregnant with me? don't you always try to make me feel bad about it? didn't you say you were never going to have a half human half vampire child ever again...at least not with daddy? besides, jacob and i are in love." renesmee rolled her eyes.

everybody gasped.

**what happens next? how does jacob feel? how come alice didn't get a present? stay tuned.**


	2. texas

**These characters, I do not own.**

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><p>Chapter 2<p>

"hey nessie…merry Christmas…eve" jake said when she let him in.

"oh god" alice threw her hand over her nose

"fuck you alice I thought we were friends" jake said, his eyes glistening.

"no you mongrel! She's talking about that other stench" rose was fanning her nose. H

"what other—holy shit what in the fuck is that?" jake almost threw up

"you have got to be fucking kidding me…why isn't she using the bathroom we made for her 18 blocks away?" Emmett was pissed. He was ready to go upstairs and fuck bella up but jasper held him back.

"Emmett clearly…" alice took a breath and her eyes shriveled up. "_clearly_ it was an emergency."

Jasper nidded. "yep…smells like…"

"THE RUNS!" everybody yelled in unison.

Esme smiled.

"jesus Christ im getting headache…wait, do vampires even get headaches?" rose said running around the room frantically

"no," stephenie meyer said.

"okay well Jacob we need to talk," renesmee said, getting down on one knees.

"whoa wait a minute, now hold on." Jacob held his hand out in front of him.

"no, no, shut up and listen to me. Jake…next to human blood and granny smith apples you mean the world to me and I just—"

then! they heard screaming outside and crashing and total chaos. Renesmee put on her house slippers and grabbed a banana and Everybody went outside to see what is going on.

"this is Washington state police. We ask that you evacuate the state immediately. Some bizarre smell has clouded the area." Charlie schwan said.

"but bella!" Edward cried hysterically

"fuck that, she'll find us," Emmett said and threw everybody on his back and ran all the way to texas.

**Omg! What was that all about? Was renesmee really about to propose to Jacob? Was she serious? Does Jacob even love her back? What time is it? Will the cullens Christmas be ruined? Q**


	3. lost hymen

**These characters, I do not own.**

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><p>Chapter 3<p>

As soon as everybody q; got to texas.

"I CAN STILL SMELL IT" Carlisle said

"yeah I keep catching whiffs." Esme smiled.

"what are we going to do here? Where will I sleep? This is not how I want to spend my Christmas eve" renesmee was freaking out.

Alice rosed her hand.

"YOU HAVE SOMETHING TO SAY?" Carlisle asked

she nodded "umm, I know this isn't the time or place, but—"

"then why the fuck must you bother with it?" rosealeie snapped

"its imporTanT" alice emphasized as she backs down and looked down at her designer boots with the fur from dolce and gabbana . she also has a baby phat puff coat on and a Gucci hat. Her pants are from the gap. And hersocks were fruit of the loom.

"what is it sweetie" esme smiled and caressed alice hair. When she looked at her hand it was greasy. She smiled and wiped it on emmett's dry face.

"well actually…I just needed to talk to jake. In private."

"alice you have shamed me," Edward turned his nose up high and crossed his icy hard arms arcosst his chest. "hmph." He already knoew what she was going to talk about because he read her mind.

alice glared at him. Her shriveled eyes had some unique powers because all of a sudden Edward was on the floor unconscious. Everybody looked at jasper.

"alice" esme scolded while smiling. "be nice to your brother. Now you and dog—I mean Jacob go talk. And make it quick. We all need to be toether as a family because it's the holidays." She shooed them and smiled.

"WE'LL WAIT HERE" Carlisle said.

"okay."

Jacob followed alice down the street and around the corner behind the record store right between stripes and HEB with a supermarket and a parking lot in between them and a blue shiny car.

"what? Jacob sounded hurt?

"let me make this quick." Alice started

Jacob got excited "I know what that means!" he pulled his pants down and tried to jump on her but her eyes went up his butt and electrocuted him for 3 seconds. He backed off immediately. "ow!"

"you remember last year when we kissed under the mistletoe?"

Esme smiled from a distance.

which made her smile again. she smiled

"SHHH!" he threw his large hand over alice's face and looked around. That was going to leave a mark on her blood vessel-less face. "we agreed to never bring that up again!"

"well I wasn't going to but…" she slid down against the brick wall and sat on the moldy ground. She didn't care aout her jeans or her hair or her cell phone at this point. Something was bothering her and jake knew it because she was crying and vampires can't even cry so he pulled his pants back up.

"but what?" he asked with an attitude.

"well bella isn't the only one who's pregnant. I think this happened after I couldn't find my hymen" she whispered

jake's eyes went big and for some reason his big eyes made alice's eyes shrivel up more. "what are we going to do!" he pulled on his hair. "how is that even possible? "

now it was alice turn to shush him. "how should I know? All I know is that we need to talk to roose."

Back with the rest of the cullens + and steve.

"you know, it was in this very spot back in—" jasper began to remenis.

"CHARLIE JUST CALLED. HE SAID WE CAN GO BACK HOME." Carlisle said softly,

"is bella okay?" Edward was crying tears of joy!

"TURNS OUT SHE NOT PREGNANT. SHE WAS JUST CONSTIPATED AND HAD TO TAKE A SUPERMASSIVE DUMP. SHE'S OUT COLD RIGHT NOW…WHEN WE GET HOME IM GOING TO RUN SOME TESTS ON HER TO MAKE SURE SHE DON'T GOT NOTHING WE MIGHT CATCH." Carlisle explained.

Everybody cheered. "thank god. We didn't want anoter one of those" esme said smiling at renesmee.

Renesmee was confused. Esme smiled. Steve took a deep breath. Edward finaly woke up.

"I wish those two would hurry up so I can get home and look at myself in the mirrir," rose said and played with her boobs.

"we are back!" jake said out of breathing breath. He had scratches all over his back and his hair was everywhere and there was a hole in his tooth and a sexual bite mark on his ear and it went all the way down to his nipple.

Alice hair was messed up too and her pants are unzipped and a boot was missing and her big toe was busting out of the hole in her sock and steam was coming.

"it's my turn to give you all a ride back to forks!" jake said before he phased. Esme smiled.

**Stay tuned people! Lies and Secrets Coming soon! It's going to be so crazy and then Please review for me.**


	4. cookies

**These characters, I do not own. do i have to keep saying this shit.**

**warning something freaky happens here in this chapter.**

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><p>Chapter 4<p>

"hey everybody" beela said coming down the stairs.

Emmett growled. Esme smiled. Carlisle said "HEY". Jasper ignored her. Alice was having a super special visin with her eyes still dry and shriveled up. Renesmee was touching Jacobs face. Jacob. Steve was touching up his makeup on his compact mirror. Rosalie was still playing with her boobs.

"where is Edward?" she asked asked.d

"who gives a fuck about Edward? Fuck Edward." Michelle said and stormed off.

"I know," alicesaidandrantothekitchen.,': "Edward mother fucking cullen! You know those cookies are for santa Claus. What are you doing?"

"i am stuh-ressed out, okay?" he rolled his n4eck and snapped his fingers and then smashed a cookie in alice face and then took another from the Bag and ate it.

"why?' she sat donw, concerned and liked the cookie crumbs on her lips. And sighs in satisfaction.

"I don't know what I am going to do about and renesmee and this new baby," he put his head in his hands.

"um.m I don't know but there's enough paper in the prnter downstairs." She suggested.

Edward smiled "oh really that's just great."

Esme smiled.

"but don't worry too much about it. I think it's just a 'll get. Over it."

"how old is she again?"

"_yesss_!" alice shook her haed vigorously.

"you're the best sistere in the whole wide world. Hugs?" Edward stood up and spread his arms wide.'

Alice smiled timidly and gave him a hug.

"by the way. I wasn't going to say .what's wrond with your eye?" Edward put his finger in his mouth, curious.

"IM SORRY TO BREAK UP THE KODAK MOMENT AND EVERYTHING BUT ALICE ARE YOU GOING TO SET UP THE DECORATIONS FOR TONIGHTS PARTY?" carilse asked

alice neck snapped in his direction. "whoa, you sounded just like Carlisle!"

"thanks, I was hopind you'd say tht." carilse said and blushed.

"wht time it is?" alice asked.

"7:01 am in the morning"

"ok I'll Start In 9 Minutes. I have foreseen it." Alice said.

Renesmee was upstairs changing into her day clothes when Jacob snuck in. renesmee senses him. She slowly peeled off her schoolgirl skirt and wiggled her ass as it snaking down her thighs. She bent over and stuck her hand in her stockings and rubbed it up and down her ass crack. Before she pulling those down to. All the while she managing to kept her stilletos on. She threow off her shirt and realized for the first time that it was black and her skirt was red. She was completely naked. But still have her stilletos on.

"oh my god Jacob!" she turned atound and screamed and coverd her boobs,

"hey, can I borrow your nail clippers? I have this nasty hangnail on my toe" he stuck his foot in her face and accidentally kicked her out the window. "shit." He walked to the window and stuck his head out. "hey. You okay?"

"help!"

"yeah haha quit playing around. But hey I found your nail clippers. I'ma just use em real quick," he said and decided to just clip all of his toenails and fingernails on her bed. Then he went back downstairs. '

"OMG LEAH! WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?" and they both phased in the house and knocked over the Christmas tree.

Jasper saw a drop of blood and ran to attack. Esme smiled and ordered Emmett to…

**DRAMA! What do you think should happen next? Should alice tell everybody else about the baby? Should Emmett do what esme told him to? Should leah go back home and mind her business? Should leah tell him her secret? VOTE NOW!**


	5. da break up

**Steph owns these people.**

Chapter 5

"BELLA. COME WITH ME" Carlisle said,

"why?" she her hands on her hips.

"DON'T ASK NO QUESTIONS LITTLE LADY I'M THE BOSS HERE AND WHEN MY FAMILY IS IN DANGER I PUT UP WITH NOBODY'S SHIT SO YOU COME UPSTAIRS OR I KICK YOU OUT. YOU DON'T PAY THE BILLS HERE. WE'VE HAD THIS HOUSE FOR TOO LONG FOR SOME _HUMAN_ TO COME FUCK IT ALL UP." He put his finger in her face

"get your finger out of my face." She threatened him!

"SORRY." He bowed.

Jake phased back and took emmetts shorts right off him! Then put them on. "leah please. Lets take this outside."

Emmett gasped. "oh no he didn't."

Leah growled but somehow she was calm. Because of this she phased back uncontrollably

As soon as she phased she swung her hair in slow motion and grabbed a chunk of it. Her hands ran down her side seductively (this is still in slow motion) and stopped at her curvy hip. She opened her eyes and stared at jake, jasper, em, and esme and signaled for them to come over to her with just her tiny little forefinger.

"boobs" jasper said and fainted

"leah that's enough!" jake roared. He took her by the hand and dragged her outside. "why must you do this?"

I could not BELIEVE he was asking me that! After all those cold nights without him and he jus expects me to be okay with this.

"why are you here? You should be spending Christmas at home with ME"

he stared at me.

"oh…it's that…that _girl_." Ugh I was disgusted.

"who?" he looked around scared.

"RENESMEE!" I shouted,

"over here…help me…" I heard somebody say.

"Wha? Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah! No way. She's seven years old! THAT would make me a pedophile."

"She's 19" I corrected him. I wasn't falling for tha one.

"look leah. I still love you. I do. I just…I don't know…I've got a lot on my plate right now. My dad is getting a divorce, tupac is dead, I'm never going to get my football scholarship because the recruiter said an I quote 'hold on hold on. Jacob I'm proud of you and ima let you finish, but john elway had one of the greatest home runs of all time,' rose and alice are pregnant, your naked and wet, and I just can't take it…I can't take it leah!" jake was out of breath

"rose _and_ alice? Jesus jacoB! First me, then Jessica, then angela, then angela's mom, then ginger, then mary sue, then Stacey ann, then the twins tia and tamera and now rose and alice?"

Jacob scowled. "who the fuck are those people?"

"all of my friends who have gotten pregnant…duh jake!"

"okay well what does that hav to do with me?" he yelled.

"Oh. I don't know."

Esme smiled.

"I just need space. I love you. A lot. I will always love you. Forever." He hung his head.

"I love you too Jacob. And we can do this Jacob. I know we can Jacob."

"I don't know if I can do this right now." He shook his head.

"JACOB!" leah was in tears. "please do't do this right now! What about our son? What about everything we've been through? you're going to throw it all away? We need you!"

"I can't …j ust cant leah. Goodbye."

Jake phased back and let out a painful howl and ran off into the darkness.


	6. girl in love

**No these characters are not mine. No they are not.**

Chapter 6

"oh alice I love what you've done with the kitchen!" esme came twirling into the kitchen in her ice skates. esme smiled.

emet came running in and slipped and slided on his ass. He crashed into the wall and made a hole in it all the way through to the garage and pots and pans fell out frm across the room.

"you've turned this place into a fucking winter wonderland?" he got up and went staright for the cookies. Alice was in his face. The extreme anger of her made her eyes disappear and now she just had two black holes in her face. She snatched the cookie away from her brother and stuffed the whole Bag under her shirt.

"these. are. 4. santa. claus." She spit. She blinked and her eyes were back to normal but they were black and they were liquid topaz before that.

"did you forget I'm santa claus?" Emmett said

"yes but its not chtistmas yet you fool." Alice growled.

Emmet then lefted. Alice felt The Bag get lighter and lighter up untl it was disappeared into the thin air and something was tugging on it. Alice screamed and lifted up her dshirt and there was no sighn of The Bag of Cookies.

She hopped and prayed that esme ddn't notice because for the reason why that The Bag was gone was the baby ate it!

"I decorated the bathrooms too" alice said and pulled her shirt back down. "you know since humams will be here they migh have to use the bathroom so I painted the walls with eggnog and nutmeg and cinnamon and put shit eater rose in the toilet. The funk shouldn't penetrate the walls."

"wonderful, darling," esm smiled. "I know I just came from the living room and everythin but I was wondering if you could perhaps explain to me." Esme smiled.

"of course! Follow me," alice was excited. Esme smiled.

Leah stopped standing there with her mouth wide open from pure shock that jake left her and their 6 hour old son alone to care for themselves and that he would probably leave her at the altar next week for the husband and wife making wedding that seth was supposed to be the best man for when a drosophila of some species flew into her mouth. She choked on it and walked backwards and fell into a bush. Something grabbed her. Sice she thought she was still in wolf form she bit and clawed at it but it didn't make an impact.

"leah its me stop it stop it!" nessie cried.

"why the fuck are you naked and on top of me and why did you steal my man? On CHRISTMAS EVE. That is so dirty" leah's eyes were on fire.

Nessie screamed and used her powers to put the fire out. "I was pretending to try to steal your man beca—"

Leah cut her short with her fist, it went flying right through her head! But since nessie has 24 chromosomes she didn't die and she is now healing.

"listen to me!" nesmee pinned leah down and their nipples were touching. "its not him that I want."

"well then back off bitch!" leah chomped her teeth at her.

'its funny that you're calling me a bitch when you da one who turn into a fucking dog—never mind. Like I was saying, I was trying to make you jelly." She winked

"explain" leah sat up and crossed his arms, then she crossed hers.

"well I really was." She explained "But in all honesty leah I cant choose between the two. He is so sexy and pretty and I like his little blue butt but sometimes I feel like maybe I might want you too on some days."

Esme smiled.

"I thought you said you didn't want Jacob" leah looked at her like what the fuck

"I don't!" ren screamed.

Leah gasped in air. "you mean….oooh yous a nasty little girl that is unacceptable I will not have it I _refuse_ I will not give him permission I you do not have my consent."

"I understand. But I jus want to let you know that your left boob is redickulous and all I want for Christmas is you."

Ruh-nez-may was sad now. She was in love with leah and her son but she couldn't have either…or can she?


	7. ice skater

**Steph invented these folks.**

Chapter 7

"ed!" jasper was looking all over for Edward.

"he's in the kitchen. Hurry jasper run he's just on his way out!" Emmett called out.

Jasper ran into the kitchen and emmet followed laughing. He expected to see jasper sliding across the kitchen floor like he did but frowned when jasper was dressed in his ice skating costume because that's what he was for Halloween a competitive figure skater. He was doing flips and skating and spinning like a PROFESSIONAL competitive figure skater. He twirled and spun and sparkled under the morning sunlight. You could see it in his fiery, golden eyes that he had to ask Edward a question and that he was very passionate about many things, including his family. The diamonds encrusted permanently in his skin protracted in these colorful rainbows and they lit up the kitchen and beautified it and reflected off the moon from a distance and his pale skin never looked so beautiful. It was then that jasper realized his dream. He wanted to become a dancer. At all costs.

"oh hey Edward" jasper changed back into his normal clothes and joined him at the table. "I need some advice."

"sup"

"well you're a married man, so I was just wondering how you…popped the big question." Jasper asked impatiently

"hmm.i don't remember. Read Eclipse…or New Moon…and let me know when you find out just incase bella asks." He said reading the newspaper and eating cookies.

"I thought those were for santa claus." Jasper tilted his head. "anyways sir, I'm thinking bout pro—"

"wait wait wait. Not alice!" Edward waved his hands frantically

"aw come on man I thought you were done being the little overprotective brother once you found out how good I am in bed," jasper whined.

Edward nodded. "it is true. You make her squirt three time in a row every time," he continued nodding. "I mean alice is great and all, but…" he looked around and leaned closer to whisper in jasper ear "but have you seen her eye?"

"yes its beautiful just like the other one" jasper saud confused.

"no I mean have you seen it lately?" Edward reaised his ibrowz.

"yeahhh…your point is?" jasper was getting attitude.

"pshh. I'm just sayin man but whatever" Edward laughed.

"okay no let me tell you something okay!" jasper slammed his fist against the tile "You don't need to be talking about MY woman's imperfections okay. Have you _seen_ your _wife?_ Her back is broke in three different places and she looks like Quasimodo from behind. Only from behind that's why I don't like standing behind her. And she can't even feel her toes! That's not fun when you're trying to suck on them man. She trips all the time too. So shut the fuck up because alice a person too and she has feelings! You are so coldhearted," jasper's voice cracked.

Edward felt bad. "you're right I'm so sorry."

"I only forgive you because it's more than saying sorry and it means I accept people's flaws unlike you," jasper told him off! "I'm proposing tomorrow…as a Christmas present."

Edward lost interest. And esme smiled.

**Oh no…why did he lose interest? Do you think he'll still be at the wedding?**


	8. doctor love

**I do not own! But SM sure does!**

Chapter 8

"so whats the verdict doc?" bella asked Carlisle after he was done running tests on her.

"IF YOUR BUTT DIDN'T EAT MY THERMOMETER I WOULD KNOW." Carlisle growled.

"soory it's been a while" bella blushed.

Carlisle rolled his eyes. "WELL YOUR PEE TEST CAME OUT POSITIVE."

"shh!" bella put her hand in his mouth to shut him up. "this is confidential information Carlisle! I feel like I have rights!"

"OK FIRST OF ALL YOU LIVE IN A HOUSE FULL OF VAMPIRES SO IN THE EVENT THAT EVEN IF I WROTE THIS INFORMATION DOWN FOR YOU THEY WOULD KNOW BECAUSE THEY WOULD HEAR ME WRITING AND KNOW WHICH LETTERS I WAS WRITING. SAME GOES FOR TYPING. ALICE ALREADY KNOWS THE TEST RESULTS AND MY SIDELINE POWERS TELL ME THAT'S SHE'S GOING TO TELL YOUR MOM. NOW WOULD YOU LIKE ME TO CONTINUE OR ARE YOU JUST GOING TO CONTINUE TO BE STUPID?" Carlisle asked kindly.

"positive for what?" bella asked.

"FOR NOT HAVING ANYTHING THAT CAN BE DETECTED THROUGH YOUR URINE. AKA POSITIVE. YOU PASS." Carlisle did the head nod.

"excuse me but when I hear—when _anybody_ hears that they tested positive for something other than winning the lottery its never good news! And I'm not a doctor or anything but I think they call it negative results." Bella corrected.

"BUT NEGATIVE SOUNDS SO…NEGATIVE," he whispered

"I know, I know it makes no sense," bella rolled her left eye. "so what else can you give me?"

"OH WORD OF ADVICE. DRINK MORE WATER."

Bella nodded

"AND THAT'S IT FOR TODAY. LOOKS LIKE YOU CAN STAY."

"fantastic. I'm going to go downstairs now and spend the holidays with my vampire family!" bella was eager to get out.

"OKAY BUT ONE MORE THING"

"yes?" she stpooed at the door and whipped her head dramatically

"CALL UP ESME UP IN HERE. SHE HAS AN APPPPOINTMENT WITH THE DOCTOR" he winked

bella threw up all over the place for they were like her parents. "sure thing."

Bella went downstairs and saw alice. She then turned around.

Esme smiled.

Jacob was back. He took off to think about life but came back just in time to put the star on top of the Christmas tree. Alice tried to helped him put it up there with her eyes but she forgot that they were back to normal and she could only use them to see.

"look. I've been thinking," Jacob took a big ass bite of his filet mignon.

Alice nodded. "about…"

"I'm just saying…I've been thinking. That's all. People think all the time," he got an attitude. "goddamn alice. Geez."

"whatever Jacob."

"no but really…about this kid…I just realized it's going to be ½ werewolf, 1/5 human, 2/5 vampire, and 4/9 japanese," he took another big ass bite.

"oh yeah! Haha that's so true. He's going to get his Japanese genes from my adopted brother from korea that I had when I was 100% human. He's dead now though," she frowned.

"hey…you think that since that baby is going to be Japanese you might just learn now to speak Japanese?" Jacob put his hands together.

"yeah im already learning some. Its really cool!" alice looked down at her tummy and spoke in japanese. "oh my god Jacob! Feel this! Feel it omg it's our baby Jacob it's our baby its moving its moving!"

alice took his hand and put it under her shirt. Jacob felt the baby moving and his universe was centered. He looked into alices eyes and he knew that she was the one. There were fireworks in the background but all Jacob could focus on was alice and his unborn child. He was already willing to do anything for them. Je created this life that was inside of alice, and nothing else could be more magical than that. He was going to be a father.

"oh my god alice…that was beautiful," he said looking into her eyes.

Alice stared back into his eyes taking in their black marbled beauty. She became lost in the dark mysterious sea that were his irises and couldn't resurface. It was then that she realisez she loves him and was all of a sudden happy to be carrying his child, a gift from god, a true miracle.

"oh, Jacob." She caressed his nipple.

"alice," Jacob groaned. He couldn't get his eyes off her beautiful black eyes.

Jacob pulled his hand out of her shirt to eat the rest of his filet mignon but it was gone. The baby had ate it. Jake and alice both giggled. They were happy and they wanted to let the world know.


	9. jacob gives advice

**I do not own! SM does!**

Chapter 9

Ok! You asked for it so here goes!

Jake stopped giggling and got serious. He remembered again why he was so happy so he decided he wanted to cry tears of joy and happiness. Alice pulled him close and let him cry on the crook of her neck. She smelled so good of dandelions and summer's eve that he just couldn't help hisself when he layed her down on her back. There they began to make sweet love under the Christmas tree.

Rose turned on the fireplace and grabbed her snuggie and joined Emmett on the couch to watch transformers. Jasper was sleeping. Esme was getting her tonsils checked out by Carlisle, who was checking out esme's tonsils. Everybody else was just around somewhere, but nowhere near where alice and Jacob were because the lovemaking was so powerful and strong and magnificent that it would have knocked them out.

After they finished.

Rose came down and put a present down by the tree. She sat down on the couch across from them.

Esme smiled.

"I have a problem you guys." She confessed.

"really? I never noticed. I mean, your boobs are so perfect and your so stunningly beautiful that I just might cry. Your breath never stinks and you always look good no matter what time of day or what you're wearing and you NEVER have to comb your hair because it just don't get messed up. You have an awesome strong, muscular man that all the girls would die for and…_shit_, all the girls would die to be you. I just don't understand what the problem could be," alice said, extremely concerd about her sister.

"oh alice that's the thing…my boobs are NOT perfect!" rose burst into tears. "one is bigger than the other!"

Alice and Jacob gasped noisily.

"Oh, no! Since when?" Jacob said with his hand over his mouth.

"Since I was born. They weren't that bad back then, but yesterday I weighed them and the right one weighs 7.67 pounds and the left one weighs 7.67000001 pounds! It's so depressing," rose was hyperventilating.

"oh, I see that now with my werewolf super vision…and I can hear that there is more strain on your left bra strap too with my super duper werewolf hearing. It might just snap so you should keep an eye on it," jake nodded.

Alice came and sat next to her and gave her a comforting backrub. Her warm skin felt good on rose's shirt. "aww rose…I don't knw what to tell you. Have you spoken to Carlisle about it?"

"no I'm scared," she began to tremble.

"maybe you should put ice on it. Ice shrinks things," Jacob suggested.

"really?" rose face lit up and the room was brighter than outside.

"yeah but if you want it to be effective you should also put some preparation H on it and some zit zapper cream…you know just think of it as an unwanted zit…or a knot or something…treat it with things that you would treat a zit or a knot with!" Jacob said and dusted off his shoulders. "You should also put it in the dryer…that thing always shrinks my clothes."

"aw thank you Jacob thank you!" rose shot up and gave him a tight hug but it was lopsided because of her left boob. "that wont be a problem the next time we hug!" rose said and ran into the kitchen.

There was a loud ass crash.

"goddamn it alice!" she screamed.

"Sorry I thought you knew since you're perfect. But I'll put a sign outside the door before anybody else gets hurt," alice said.

Nessie came stomping into the house. She forgot how powerful she was and she forgot that the spot she stomped on was not half human half vampire proof so she made a hole and fell through it. She fell for a few hours then landed ten minutes into the future!

It was dark but sunny and she was suddenly in the bathroom with alice as she showered and shaved her legs. "auntie alice?"

"yes?" alice pulled the shower curtains back and proceeded to shave her legs

"I know what you did last summer…and I was just wondering how that went for you? What was that experience like?" she sat on the toilet and decided to handle some business and design her business cards for her future franchise.

"Well you see…it was a risk…I don't sparkle all the time because I think its gay and if vampires think its gay then they don't sparkle. So you have to focus. But if you honestly think its gay…then you honestly won't sparkle. That's why I don't sparkle anymore. That's why you will NEVER see me sparkle. Also I don't sparkle because I'm half human half vampire just like you. But don't tell Esme that I don't sparkle because Q she thinks my dad Carlisle really has a degree in music. He just didn't know what to do because the lines for science and English were always so crowded. But one day Esme fainted and somebody yelled 'is there a doctor in the house?' and there was. And he married her," alice bent over to shave the back of her knee that grew back hairy after Jacob bit it off once. "Anyways, my point is…follow your dreams and don't let anybody get in your way because my dream was to stop sparkling and I focused. So stay focused, baby."

"Auntie that was beautiful but I was talking about the secret lesbian relationship you had with my mom," nesmee said.

"see, that's the thing. It's a secret so you're not supposed to know about it," alice smiled. "sorry, I didn't make the rules I just reinforce them because I am a good person."

"oh." Renesmee put the business cards in her briefcase. "damn."

"yeah you should talk to the rule making committee to see if you can bribe them with your thick, sexy reddish-bronze ass-long ringlets. And then get back with me because I would love to tell you about it" alice tinkled.

"okay sure thing but auntie are you pregnant because you look pregnant," nessie asked.

"that's another secret. I can't tell you that I'm pregnant because it's a secret. But I would love to tell you that I'm pregnant," alice said hiding her stomach.

"damn it! Okay I'm going to talk to them right now," ren stormed out and fell through a hole and went ten minutes back into the present

what a relief because nessie was scared she was going to be stuck in the future forever!.

**What did you think of this chapter? I worked hard on it so give me your honest feedback. Well, I'm going to go eat now. I'll update later tonight. Love you guys!**


	10. new moon

**Not minee!**

Chapter 10

"it's time, it's time!" alice said skipping down the stairs holding bella hand. "there's a cake too…..BELLA! HELLO!" she threw a box of raisins at bella fourhead because she was sitting across the room sleep.

"I'm sorry, what?" bella said before she came to.

"it's time for something and there is cake." Esme repeated and smiled.

"huh?" she rubbed her eye

"alice baked a cake for you!" jasper shouted.

"what?" bella yelled.

"Carlisle?" everybody said and looked at him. Esme smiled.

"ALICE SAID IT'S TIME IT'S TIME AND THERE'S A CAKE TOO" Carlisle said.

"oh…oh hold on you guys," bella said digging in her ears and pulling out earplugs and shea butter. "Okay now what did you say?"

"CAKE! ALICE! NOW!" everybody yelled frustrated. Rose threw a box of dates at the back of her head for being stupid.

Bella ran over to alice. Alice gave her a hug and handed her a present. "oh alice! What is this for?"

Alice stared at her for a long time. "it's your Christmas present, bella" she spoked to her like she was a child.

"oh…thank you."

Renesmee appeared out of nowhere. Probably from that hole she fell through, though. "whoop party over here!" she did the bankhead bounce. "I'm going to invite a friend." She ran outside and came back holding leah hand with one hand and touching her butt with the other hand. "everybody, this is leah Clearwater."

"hi" leah smiled shyly and waved.

Jasper fainted. Rose rubbed something on her boob. Esme smiled. Alice gave her a hug. Carlisle waved. Bella stared. Emmett licked his lips. Jacob walked over to her.

"hello leah, I'm Jacob Black but don't let that confuse you I'm Native American. It's nice to meet you…and I'm relieved to know that ren has friends." They shook hands.

"hi Jacob. I can only speak German. And actually I'm not Renessie's friend I'm her fiancé" she corrected.

"oh shit. Even better. Congratulations you two," jake slapped them both on the ass. "is it time for cake yet?"

"no!" alice growled. "I have gift bags for you all" she said and threw everybody a 29-pound bag full of stuff in it.

"what the…" Emmett opened the bag and squealed "cookies!"

"yeah that's so you bastards can stop eating santa's cookies" she stated

"oh why thank you alice darling that was very thoughtful of you" esme smiled.

"I'm giving these to the cookie project in atlanta" Carlisle said and left in his lamborghini.

"I don't give a fuck what you people/vampires/werewolves/leah/steve do with them just don't you TOUCH Santa's fucking cookies!" alice had a mood swing. "oh and jake and I have an announcement to make," she smiled and took jacobes hand.

"wait a minute. Bella we need to talke" Edward interrupted. Cookie residue fell from bella teeth and jasper lunged for her elbow. Edward pushed him into the bass guitar just in time.

"ahhh" bella moaned sexually.

"excuse me people! I hAve an announcemenT!" alice screamed.

"let me tell bella what I gotta tell her!" Edward snapped.

"NO this is MY night eddy MY night" alice cried hysterically

"WHOEVER CAN THROW A CAR INTO THE OTHER'S FACE FIRST GETS TO GO LAST," Carlisle said.

Esme smiled "honey youre a dream come true."

Esme smiled.

Allison picked up leah car and threw it in edward face because she misunderstood. "OK EDWIN SON YOU MAY PROCEED" Carlisle said.

"thank you" Edward said and wriggled out from under leah car and realized he left behind his behind. "I'll get that later. Anyways bella…jasper—"

bella was in tears. "what happened with jasper was nothing, Edward! Nothing!"

"wha? I was just going to say that jasper bought us war of worldcraft for Christmas and that he would let us open it early if we proved to him that fairies truly do exist but now that you reminded me…it was nothing compared to what could have happened." Edward hung his head. "I promise never to put you through anything like this ever again. This is the last time you'll ever see me."

"daddy, nooo!" renezmeeee broke down.

Everybody watched as he gave her a kiss and vanished.

"_DAYUM._" Carlisle said after a moment of ackword silense.

"oh honey…he'll be back once he realizezs all the stupid things you're going to do and that he can't ever live without you because you're like his drug. Such a beautiful, unhealthy relationship the two of you have," esme smiled.

"no…no…ima have to say something." Jasper put on his dreadlocks and walked up and took the mic from esme. She smiled and backed up. "how much could you mean to him? If he left you here? Unprotected?" jasper spoke the truth as the lights dimmed around him.

"jasper it's okay but if you want to save the boy you need to believe in the fairies!" bella cried.

"nice try." He left.

"jasper! No wait!" leah called after him but he was gone. "damn it. He left out the best part about not being able to help himself because she is so mouthwatering!"

"but she's not anymore," everybody chorused and esme smiled.

**Uh-oh…the Christmas eve party is coming soon!**


	11. luv n basketball

**Not minee no!**

Chapter 11

In renesmee room. She and leah were rolling around on the bed in jakes toenails as they made out and touched each other inappropriately.

"I love you" ren growled ferociously and licked leah's face.

"I love you too" leah moaned in ecstasy and wrapped her legs around nessie waist.

Just then Maxwell came to the window and started singing. "ahh haaaa-woooo…"

"oh shit baby you know what this means," ness sat up and took off her shirt.

Leah sat up next to her and slid her dress off her shoulders timidly and smiled at renes as she took off her bra and her pants. Leah pulled the top of her dress off her boobs and nessie stared and smiled at them before she took off her panties. Leah's eyes went wide when she saw renes wetness and she looked at her in fear. Nes gave her a cocky smile. Leah stepped out of her dress and laid back on the bed. Nessie got on top of her.

"pray God you can copeee" Maxwell hit a high note.

Renesmee held leah close and kissed all up on her. Leah panted quietly and ran her fingers through her hair because she was nervous. This was going to be her first time.

"I'll stand outside," max was getting it

renesmee reached for a female condom and put it inside of herself. Leah heart began to race.

"This woman's work….this woman's work…oooh it's hard on a man," mazwell jumped inside and sat on the edge of the bed.

Renesmee pressed hard against leah and started rubbing against her. Leah gasped a few times.

"Now his part is overrr. Now starts the craft…of the faaaaaatherrrrrr," max continued. "I know you got a little life in you left. I know you've got a lot of strength left. (x2) I should be cryin' but I just can't let it show I should be hopin' but I can't stop thinkin'…" he broke it down

Nesmee rubbed even harder and leah gasped even louder.

"All the things we should've said that are never said. All the things we should've done that we never did. All the things we should've given, but I didn't. Oh darlin', make it go…Make it go away," he scooted closer to them.

"you want me to stop?" nessie asked.

leah shook her head and held nessie close. Maxwell faded out at just the right time and the lights dimmed and leah and renesmee continued to make love for the very first time. It was so special and romantic. A night neither of them would ever forget. no. a night they would never forget.

Esme smiled.


	12. santa costume

**Steph M made these people.**

Chapter 12

"emmett here I made your santa costume" jasper blinked

"that is so sweet of you brother. What is it made out of." Emmett said in a question.

"love" jasper grinned.

"so the theme of the party this year is Christmas in the ghetto in 1953, correct?" Emmett finished in off his last cookie.

"right. In Detroit." Jasper added. "oh and we are going to have a special guest" he said excitedly

"boys" esme smiled "you two ready to start cooking?" she smiled and put on her apron

"that sounds lovely but I have a question" Emmett said

"yes dear?" esme smiled

"do you want deer because that's easy to get and I really don't feel like chasing after a bear or a lion or anything like that and what exactly do you want me to do with it when I get back because the party is not til later and you want me to start getting it now would you like me to just tie it up outside and then bring it in when the party starts or how does that work"

"try on your costume you big strong monkey man" esme smiled

"yes ma'am" Emmett said and got into his costume at vampire speed.

"you look like santa from the hood. But here's the thing since this is 1953 you're younger so your beard wouldn't be white. Was santa a blonde? He's got blue eyes right? Or are they brown? How is he still alive? I know they aint green cause I would have remembered if they were green. They cant be gray because my eyes are gray.. sweetheart, you should grow out your beard." Esme smiled

"uh haha nah nah esme its cool I'll just get alice to get me a youthful looking beard. She'll hook me up." Emmett looked suspicious.

"why whats wrong with your beard?'' esme smiled because she saw right through him and out the window at an odd looking cat.

"it's red and nappy" jasper said

esme smiled.

"ohhh that's hot! Since its nappy then you'll really look like your from the hood" esme smiled.

"but I need sta sof fro and carols daughter to maintain it" Emmett said

"alice has some" jasper winked

"why the fuck would she need that?" Emmett asked

"its part of her collection,'" jasper rolled his eyes

"so youre telling me that Allison collects black hair care products?" esme smiled

"she collects everything. But mostly stuff that black people like such as weaves and fried chicken because my niece comes by sometimes and she wants to adopts sometimes then." Jasper said proudly. He loves his wife but he wants a diborce so he can merry alice.

"your niece?" emmette raised his eyebrow

"renesmee." Esme smiled "well one of you go make sure bella isn't trying to kill herself because Edward left."

"oh don't worry sam is taking care of that. He is on patrol tonight." Emmett said

"oh how delightful" esme smiled

alice waddled in to the car. "hey guys, everyone ready?"

"no" esme smiled

"but you promised you would help." Alice started crying and started up the car 4

they all went to the store.


	13. ja'lecobah

**Steph M made these people. Not I.**

Chapter 13

Jackob was in the living room taking a nap while Essie and Leah watched Christmas stuff on TV but then he woke up.

"aw shit what up yall?" he rubbed the crust out of his eye

"nothing just kickin it with my favorite girls" nesm said and cuddled with leah who was in her lap. And leah daughter was in leah lap.

"ohhh I see." Jake said staring

"what dude?" nes asked with a tude…

"how long yall known each other? How come I never met none of your friends nesmee? I mean I been stalking you since your chocolate brown eyes met mine the day you were born because I imprinted and I never remember you having any frinds.' Jake said

"hey! She has a lot of friends thank you!" leah defended. "who is this guy anyway?" she asked nessie

"jake." Nessie told her.

"oh my fu god did you say jake?" leah went wide-eyed. "you imprinted on her when she was born well that is just nasty. You ought to be ashaed of yourself."

"its not my fault. Besides once she started growing boobs yesterday I realized I didn't like her and that I don't want her bearing my children." Jake explained. "but she's def the one for me."

"well to bad because she mine now…I get the leftovers" leah said proudly

"that's cool with me—wait youre gay?"

"no I just really like girls" nessiee said

"oh" jake let out a sigh of relief. He had sweated out his eyeliner and leah gasped.

"Jacob!" she recognized him instantly. Because leah recognized him jake recognized her.

"Leah? Oh shit…"

"caught you red-handed now sucka! This is YOUR daughter and you need to be a fucking man and take care of her" leah said handing him the two year old.

"OH HELL NO!" Carlisle said "THAT AINT HIS BABY"

Esme smiled.

"stay out of this grandpa!" renesmee shouted.

"no baby just calm down we're going to the movies" leah said and put on her makeup and got her purse and put on her pumps "Ja'Lecobah Blackwater will be fine right here with her daddy aint that right baby"

"daddy!" ja'lecobah said

"oh and…" leah said pulling a ball out from her purse "this one is yours too. His name is Le'Jaahcob Clearblack." She handed him the 11-hour old baby that already looked like a 5 month old. 'see you later. I'll be back in time for the party."

Leah and renesmee left. Jacob's kids looked at him expectantly. Jacob looked at Carlisle.

"DON'T LOOK AT ME I TRIED TO HELP YO ASS YOU SHOULD HAVE JOINED IN WE COULD HAVE HAD HER." He left Jacob alone with his two hungry kids.

Then alice and Emmett and jasper and esme all came back with party stuff and some cashews. Alice was holding her baby and gave her to Jacob. "here jake I had her at the store. Isn't she beautiful? Her name is Allison, after me of course because I went through all the hard work giving birth so I don't think she should be named after you but anyways…I think rubbing all that cocoa butter on my feet made her come out black. Oh and don't mess with her afro because I just moisturized it. She already ate but she's allergic to batman so don't let her watch anything with batman in it. Im going to finish decorating so jut keep an eye on her and if she curses pop her in the mouth." Alice ordered right now

"that's grandma's baby girl" esme smiled and sat on the floor.

"daddy I want cookies" ja'lecobah said

"well too damn bad little girl they are for santa claus" alice snapped like an evil step-mother

ja'lecobah phased and howled.

Alice instantly fell in love "oh my god! Okay you can get a cookie for that one"

Ja'lecobah phased back and put her diaper and yellow booties on "thanks mommy"

Tears welled up in her eye. "aww she is so precious and she called ME mommy!"

Jacob took this as an opportunity to be a deadbeat dad. "hey you want her to help you decorate? It'll be fun!"

"hell no fool she's your responsibility. She's cute but I got shit to do" alice left.

Well that failed. But its true Ja'Lecobah was pretty and had big brown eyes and russet skin and dark short hair with big thick curls and she just looked like the perfect combination of her mommy and daddy hence the name ja'lecobah. She also liked walking around in just a diaper and yellow booties…sometimes she opted for light purple but her favorite was yellow and that's all she wore she didn't like dresses or pants or shirts or clothes or.


	14. bye bye

**I didn't own these never.**

Chapter 14

"I have to go to Egypt." Bella said putting on her jacket and grabbing her toothbrush.

"ooh! My baby girl here was just talking about how badly she wants to go to Egypt! You should take her with you, bella" jake insisted and held ja'lecobah and all of her cuteness up in bella's face.

"Jacob please I was hardly there for renesmee what makes you think ima be there for your precious little baby girl?" bella looked at ja'lecobah and wanted to slap somebody so she slapped alice. She felt good after that because she got her back from that one time when alice slapped her in the car in front of jake and fetus renesmee who changed her name to chilly in your story. She is also still heartbroken from alice leaving her.

"fuck" jake mumbled and gave ja'lecobah a kiss on the cheek because he couldn't resist she was just too cute. "okay, ready?" he asked her and put her down. She ran off and started playing hopscotch with her sister Allison in wolf form. "why are you going to Egypt?"

"because I must have to go to save Edward from the mummies because he thinks I killed myself and if he reveals to them who he is they will eat him dead," bella explained.

Ja'lecobah phased back and quickly put on her diaper and booties. "auntie bella please don't go its not worth it I am so very much entirely totally team alice because she gave me a cookie"

Bella began to cry "oh the memories. But she's happy now with jake…I can't take that away frm her"

Ja'lecobah rubbed bella's back. "no…she misses you too I can see it in her eyes auntie you two are meant to be together"

"I have to go get my icicle man" bella left

leah's daughter phased and howled and trembled and cried. Allison phased and crawled over to her sister since she couldn't walk yet "don't be sad big sis she's making a huge mistake edwards a fucking idiot."

"hey!" Jacob popped her in the mouth.

Allison stared at him in pure shock. Her huge dark brown eyes went wide and she started crying. "MOMMMMYYYYY!"

"yes baby?" alice came back with green hair and red streaks

"daddy hit me" her lips trembled

"she cursed! And you told me to pop her in the mouth!" jake shouted

"jacob dammit I didn't mean It for real she's just a baby she don't know better" alice picked her up and started breastfeeding her to calm her down and so that her afro could grow

Esme smiled at this.

"I can't take this shit anymore" Jacob tried to leave but Carlisle chained him down to the house

"THAT'S TOO BAD SON BECAUSE LIKE I SAID I TRIED TO HELP YOU GET OUT OF THIS BUT YOU DIDN'T BACK ME UP SO THIS SHIT IS ALL YOUR FAULT. HAPPY PARENTING" he ate his ice cream and cookies

"heyy!" ja'lecobah phased back and hurried into her diaper and booties and fixed her hair a little. "grandpa be careful with my daddy and baby brother! I love them!"

Le'Jaahcob was in a carrier on jacob's back but he was sleep and safe.

"AWW I'M SORRY CUTIE" Carlisle felt all warm and fuzzy and melted the ice cream and cookeis with his hot breath.

"daddy Carlisle where did you get those cookies from?" alice put her hand on her hip

"YO MAMA" he laughed hysterically and then left.

"ugh!" alice was so stressed she stared breaking out all over her neck. "Jacob just watch your fucking kids for an hour while I get this shit done and hide the cookies somewhere else. IF YOU PEOPLE KEEP EATING THE DAMN COOKIES SANTA AINT GONNA BRING US SHIT!" she screamed at the entire household

because Allison was still breasfeeding she learned how to raise her voice at people. She jumped off of alice's breast and ja'lecobah put a diaper on her and they moved on to playing cops and robbers. As her afro grew another inch.

**A/N sorry I had to stop there, but my mom came home and she doesn't like it when I stay on the computer for long she's so mean but I'll add later.**


	15. detroit

**I didn't own these never. Nope. Not.**

Chapter 15

"alright everybody come on lets go" alice got her stuff together

"where are we going my love" jasper asked

"to Detroit for the party you silly man!" she answered his stupid question

"wait but you decorated the house and stuff and there ice in the kitchen and you did such a great job why are we going to Detroit?" jasper questioned

"I decorated this house for the people who are having a vampire themed party you imbecile. Theres people in Detroit that you hired to decorate their house in a 1953 theme in the ghetto and we gotta be there by soon so that we can get the party started!" alice rolled her eye

"oh"

"yes family we should leave now before it gets too dark and we get shot" emse smiled holding Aa=llison

so it took a few minutes for the cullens to get to detrout because they had the babies with them and it slowed them down and because Jacob w\kept trying to exkappe every change he could get. Alice was also keeping her eye on the cookies for santa. But when they got there they were there and in the ghetto in 1953 and suddenly they all looked like they were from 1953. Emmett was in his santa costume and everybody went into the broke down house.'

"dude jake your kid just took a dump" Emmett warned

jake screamed and took le'jaahcob off his back. He got poop on his hand so he went to the sink but since they were in the ghetto they didn't have any water or lights.

"EMMETT! You're not supposed to be in here you're supposed to come in through the chimnety now everybody knows your santa" alice freaked out

"hush bitch don't nobody care but as you wish" Emmett disappered into the thin but contaminated ghetto air

Esme smiled.

then they heard gunshots and santa got mugged. Emmett came back in through the door

"well I forgot about that. But we have soooo much money so we can just give gifts some other time. Right now we should celebrate family" Emmett suggested "the new arrivals, ja'something and Leroy. My black niece Allison. We are be so damn glad to have you all in our lives." Emmett picked them all up and cuddled "besides, that's whats important here in the ghetto"

"oh no not yet dear, not everybody is here. We are missing ren, lee-lee, eddy and Isabella Swan-Cullen. We can't celibate family when people are missing" esme smiled

"we're back" leah rolled up into the place she looked hardcore and from 1953

"hoew was the movie?" eme smiles

"fantastic, yo" renesssie had her eyepatch on "by the way, mom and dad are dead. The mummies got to them just as they were leaving the border. I saw it on the news."

everybody went silent

"who wants some cake?" emse smiled

"WHATS THAT SMELL?" Carlisle nostril flare

"it's strawberry and apricot icing with lemon sprinkles. I made it with extra tlc" esme smiled

"IS IT VEGETARIAN?" Carlisle

"I made yours sprcial my meaty pie man" esme smiled

"ja'lecobah hey baby how did it go with daddy?" leah said eyeing Jacob

"it was aight." Ja'lecobsah kicked her and did a backflib and broke the tv

"oh you're good baby, go on ahead and act like a hoodlum. That's my girl" leah clapped

there was a kncok at the door

**Who do you think it is? Is is Edward and Bella even though they are dead? Is it the real santa? Do the cullens get their presents after all?**


	16. special guests

**Don't own.**

Chapter 16

"I'll get it, bitches!" ja'lecobah pushed cralisle out of the weigh and busted through the front door. She rolled on the grass and ran back to the porch. "who the fuck are you?" she demands with so much fiery angers

"I'm president Eisenhower and I came to crash the party with love and blessings" Eisenhower rubbed ja'lecobah ear.

"And I'm elvis presley. I'm sexy." Elvis danced and humped the busted door.

"the president? ELVIS! I bet you mother fuckers are rollin in that dough, eh?" ja'lecobah tied her bandana over her head and she looked badass.

"why yes" elvis sang in his powerful voice.

Ja'lecobah pulled out her gap "give me all your fucking money and nobody gets hurt plus you'll be invited and you can meet my mom. All the guys want her. She's one sexy piece of ass, I promise you but she is engaged to my other mom number two renesmee she aint all that great but sometimes she can do some cool things with her bellybutton if you want to find out that will cost you 40 million each please" she phased and howled and phased back and put on her diaper and booties and a hat.

Elvis had tears in his eye. "how precious here you go baby a check for all I'm worth." He whipped his hair back with gel

"heres 40 billion instead," eisenhower was chocked up.

Ja'lecobah stuffed the money in her diaper and made a mental note not to phase for the rest of da night because its Christmas and she don't want tto spend her Christmas as and adorable wolf pup but an adorable baby human girl.

"welcome" she stepped aside. "YO FAMILY! This be elvis and Eisenhower now if you would please give them a round of applesauce"

"why they gotta be boys? Why not Marilyn Monroe with her fine ass I mean come on people men are so wack and played out these days!" nessie protested "get with the fucking program"

"did somebody say my name?" marilyn came dancing inside the broke down ghetto home.

"MARILYN oh my god what's up girl!" esme ran over to her "it's been so long how have you been?" she smiled

"ESME! Chica! You look the same aas always!" they hugged

"well I'm a vampire now. Actually ive always been one all throughout your life" esme smiled "we were the best of frens!"

"Well _shit_!" marilyn shook her head in absolutely surprised. She turned her head and got pissed off. "oh hell no. you have got to be fucking kidding me." She looked stankly over at elvis. "I thought I would never ever have to see your face ever again."

"lies, mama" elvis put his hands behind his head and thrusted.

"OH MY GOD! ELVIS THERE ARE CHILDREN IN HERE!" CARLISLE GASPED.

Allison and le'jaahcob covered there eye, ja'lecobah turned around and Emmett licked his lips because they were dry.

"I have a question is Jacob black here?" marily asked

"why that is me" Jacob raised his hand.

Tears started welling in marilyn eye. She sat down and took a moment for herself while everybody looked out the window or something.

"Jacob. Before you left me…I didn't get the chance to tell you that the adoption went through and that now we have a baby girl her name is dd. I had one wish and my wish was for her to continue on with her life with daddy so when the night is over she;s coming with you."

Jacob fainted. Dd walked in through the door. "and get this dad! I'm yours biological! Crazy, right?" she jumped for joy for she was a five year old happy child.

"merry chirstmas everybody!" alice said randomly. Well actually it wasn't random because it indeed was chirstmas but she was trying to be random and it didn't really work out.

But in the meantime rose is screaming and running to the bath tub. Emmett runs her bath for her. She gets undressed and hops in and keeps screaming

"roseaelie wat the fuck is your problem dude your ruining x-mas." Alice ran in after them

"AHHHHHHHHH" rose farted and the tub became a jacizzi! She growled and then the baby came f;ying out of her vagina and landed in alice mouth.

Alice took it out and held her. "ROSE YOU GOT SOME EXPLAINING TO DO" Emmett roared and the whole house shake and collapsed.

"this is definitely jakes kid" alice said, looking at the baby girl "what's her name?"

the baby slapped her clear across the chin "I'm a boy, bitch!" it growled and rumbled but alice looked down and he was a girl.

"honey lets name you Jordan" alice smiled.

"like after Michael jordan?" potential Jordan smiled

"No because it's a unisex name. if you want you can go by taylor too even thought that predominantly a girl name and most of all."

"oh hell no lets discuss this with an authoritative figure" rose baby sckowleled

"the president is downstairs" renesmee said, getting in the tub with rose "but I don't know, I think he likes the kids cause he's running around playing miss mary mack and patty pancake and monopoly with them so you might have to set an appointment."

"fuck that I'm cute alice take me downstairs righ now" the child demanded of her.

"atually he's upstairs but since the house collapsed he could be anywhrere." Leah said, knelling down by the tub and grabbing a sponge to bathe the girls.

"oooooh mama can I help you out right there" elvis came thrusting into the room and sat next to leah.

"no! leah please no I don't like men! GRANDPA!" renesmee face flood with tears and rose splash her en la cara and they giggled.

"WHATS GOING ON—WOW RENNY YOU GREW UP WHEN DID THIS HAPPEN?" Carlisle was at the bathroom door.

"grandpa I will explain later but can you get this man out of here I don't like for him to watch." Rens cried.

But elvis was invisdible. Or was he had dissipated?


	17. bad ass kids

**Don't own. Don't own, I said.**

Chapter 17

"yall I'll be right back I have to go bail ja'lecobah out of jail," esme smiled

"shit what did she do this time?" jasper was so much so in shock that he dropped his pencil.

"she mugged somebody's mom and used a fake id to get into the club so she could sell some seaweed. I tell you, life out here in the ghetto is hard," esme smiled.

"you want me to come with you mama?" jasper asked

"you always did turn out to be my good son. Hurry along now, boy. Ja'lecobah is fresh meat we cant keep her in there for too long" esme smield

"oh right" and with there super speed they were in the car on there ways.

"so jasper baby tell me when you and alice are going to give me some grandbabies" esme smiled

jasper turned to her in horror "mom! Alice is my SISTER are you crazy what is your problem? UGH!" he screamed and thrown up.

Esme slapped him in the face. "I know that boy I know who came out of me! I'm saying when the fuck are you going to hook up with somebody and make me a grandbaby? And with alice I was just asking your ass if you knew when she was planning on having baby number two! JESUS!" esme smiled

Jasper held his face, crying. "mama I knew what you meant I was just freaking out because I don't want to picture my sister making a baby, that's all."

"so that means you don't know if and when she plans to have another baby?" esme smiled.

Jasper sighed in a dramatic way. "yes, she's trying to get knocked up again by new years" he shook his head.

Esme smiled and laughed like aro did in the new moon movie. "wonderful! Now jasper, you need to get laid.''

"no mom I'm celibate I don't believe in sex I only have sex twice a week I'm still a virgin." Jasper explained.

"hm" esme looked at him sideways. Whiched cause her to see Allison and friends running behind the hooptie from the sideview mirror. "oh!" esme smiled and pulled over.

Allison got in and told her friends to go home. sHe was out of breathing breath. "I have come to support my big sister because I love her."

"that's lovely baby." Esme smiled.

Allison was only a few hours old but she was strong and smart. She couldn't quite hold her head up still because she was so small and young and delicate and because her huge afro was heavy but everybody loved her.

"here we are. Michigan state women's penitentiary." Esme said reading the brochure and smiling.

They heard loud rap music and saw the strobe lights which were turned off because it was still in the bright of daytime hours.

Esme smiled and put Allison in her car seat carrier and gave her a binky and a warm bottle of milk and chicken and wrapped her up in a blankie because it was cold outside and so that the inmates wouldn't scare her.

They went inside and already they saw ja'lecobah hanging from the bars screaming like a monkey and throwing things. Esme smiled. She was doing a good job at not phasing. She had to not. Because there was money in her diaper!

"we here to rescue that one" esme smiled and pointed.

"oh we were just about to let her go because she bit somebody." The officer said pulling back the bars. Ja'lecobah ran out and jumpedo n jaspers back and started crying.

"shh its okay mama bear you're safe now its Christmas we got your back."jasper whispered.

"I sorry for being bad grandma esme I was being serious wioth my role you know I promise when we get back home I be a good girl just like before before cute and making people fall in love with me because I have that talent grandma I sorry" ja'lecobah frowned.

Esme smiled. "you're doing great baby you're the only one who is in the spirit keep doing what your doing because santa knows. He knows from high up above in the north pole that you're doing your part. I don't mind," she smiled. "you even changed your wardrobe that adorable little white diaper and yellow booties of yours have transformed! Into gangster clothes you reppin both bloods and crips right there that's what I like no preferences EVERYBODY UNITE!" esme smiled, holding up her fist.

Everybody plus the fat lady ran up.

Esme smiled.

When they made it back home, ja'lecobah stole food from alice and lit the house on fire but with renesme there everything was fine because she has powers to put out fires.

"mama watch me!" ja'lecobah said, hanging from the ceiling fan

"baby you are so badass I'm taking you to Hollywood," leah bobbed her head.

"ARE YOU WATCHING!" ja'lecobah screamed and balled her golf ball-sized fist.

And leah was back in character. "Ja'Lecobah FowQuandah Latrina Monique Shamonique Blackwater get your ass down from there right now 'fo I call yo daddy to come and get you!"

"You don't know who my daddy is!" ja'lecobah screamed and starting swinging

"you don't either you brat! Get down from there!" renesmee said

"Jacob talk some sense into your daughter please!" leah was in tears.

"man I aint giving you NO MORE child support," he left to the right.

What will leah do?


	18. granddad?

**No.**

Chapter 18

"DADDYYYYYYY" dd called out.

Dd was an exact clone of her mother with the couple exceptions of jacobs genes that were half of her. She had the same hair and hairstyle as marilyn but is was red and curly and down to her waste. I guess it not similar after all. Her skin was just as russet as ja'lecobah, le'jaahcob, and the newborn who doesn't have an official name or gender yet. Her eyes were forest green like Johanna. She doesn't know it yet but she is a wherewulf.

"hes sleeping dear," esme smiled and caressed her.

Upstairs. Since everybody was downstairs alice was the only one upstairs. That is, until somebody came up there.

She peeked down the hallway and saw jak'e manly and sexy body. She moaned because it was sexy and called his name.

When he didn't answer. "Jacob!" she shouted again.

Jacob turned just as alice dropped all her clothes by her feet. "oh shoot my bad," he covered his eye and tried to walk away but alice threw him into the closet and then but then she looked to see and got in and shutted the dore.

"ive missed you," alice said and ate his clothes off.

"alice I don't think—" he tried to exllpain

"hush," she put his finger in his mouth.

Twelve minutes later, the both of them rolled out of the closet fully dressed. Then the baby was born.

Esme smiled.

"wait a fucking minute!" alice was shocked!

Then jake came up the stairs and at the sight his heart had broked! "ALICE! How could you!" it was too late to comfort him now. He was already crying.

"JACOB!" alice cowered back against the wall protecting her fragile new born, who was aanother little girl but since alice didn't have the time to eat fried chicken or rub cocoa butter on her feet so the baby was like a mixture of Jacob and alice. She was cute though.

Jacob was shaking. "I'm taking Allison and we're leaving Michigan. We're going to live in forks with you and everybody else in the cullen home" he said softly.

"jakcob wait I can explain!" alice clutched on to her baby girl, Samantha, even tighter.

"and YOU," Jacob said pointing at the guy who just fathered Samantha, who looked exactly like jake. He could be his identical twin!

"Dad wait I can explain!" and it was clear then that it was little Le'Jaahcob but he wasn't so little no more oh no he was all groed up!

Alice and Jacob were quiet for a long time. "son? Awww shit! You fucked my fiancé!" Jacob was all but excited nows. "congratulations son. You the man haha…" he frowned in discust.'

Alice started crying for the fact was that she had just given birth to her love of life's GRANDCHILD!

**OMG! REVIEW POPEL!**


	19. 19

**No. Not these I own.**

Chapter 19

The doorbell runged again. But since ja'lecobah was tired and worn off, she was taking nap now. Leah put binky in ja'lecobah mouth and go to answer door.

"may I help you" leah has a classic hood girl attitude. She take after her daughter.

But there was noone there but big box with big bow and letter. Leah took letter and open. reads:

Opin emmmedotly.

"somebody needa learn how to spell" leah rolled eye and open box.

Inside were three babies of diffrint colors and shapes and sizes and sexes and ages because we are all God's children. There were other letters inside.

Jaik, thease arr yore kydz.

"good lord," leah roll eye again and drag box indoor.

First se took out baby boy with hat. He had note pinned to his nipple.

Dys jaik jre. He 2.

Leah put the boy down and he ran to esme to breastfeed because in real life he was her and Jacob son. And then leah got tired of pulling da kids out the box so she dumped them out and they scattered. And then le'jaahcob came down

"ma I'm going on a date" he comed his eyebrow.

"son whatever you do don't end up like your dad…well I see u physically look like him we cant do a shit about that unless you want plastic surgery I know a great plastic surgeoun he's great his number 1-800-PLA-STIC and please whatever you do baby use protection." Leah groomed him

"you don't hav to worry mom. Grandpa Carlisle just gave me a vasectomy but hey because I already have a little girl Samantha I love her to death she is my little girl I will give her the world." He hugged his mom

"son! This is DETROIT. Where the fuck is your gap? Do you have that bullet proof vest I got you for Christmas? Here wear this helmet. Oh and here's a cup. I took it from Carlisle his pentu is very large so you should have no problem fitting into it make sure not to bump this backpack into anything okay because there're grenades in there. Oh and if you really get into some deep shit just call the toll free number and we'll send a helicopter."

"mom I got this!"

leah was teary eye. "aww my baby boy…hey but don't stay out too long okay…because for one its fucking Christmas and that means family time," she slapped him because she was suddenly mad that he didn't want to spend Christmas with family. "and two…if your big sister finds out that you went out on a date she will probably kill somebody. With her overprotective self."

Leah and le'jaahcob looked over at ja'lecobah knocked out with her diapered baby butt in the air and her cute bootied feet. Le'jaahcob had to hold on to the curtain because he had a sudden and irresistible urge to go over there and kiss his big sister to death but marilyn came and growled at him.

"I promise," le'jaahcob said before departure. And then, he came back. "oh and ps if she wakes before I come call me k love you bye," he kissed his mom on the forhed and ran and phased.

Esme smiled.

And then Jacob came down the stair. Leah licked her lips. "hey…"

"sup?" jake was tryna act cool but he wanted to tap that real bad.

"where is reness?" leah said

"she and rose are oiling each other up in the nude. I saw." Jake said.

And then leah pounced. In human form because when you hear pounce you tthink werewolf right but no. she human.

"oh leah. Oh god. Oh my. Oh. Oh. Ohhhhhh" Jacob groaned and moaned. "your skin…uhhh! Ayyyeee! Oh baby oh its soooo hot. My skin may light on fire with passion and love for you leah you just don't underst—"

"shut the fuck up Jacob! Geez!" leah was already tearing their clothes off.

"oh I can't wait to be inside you leah," Jacob was nibbling

leah rolled her eyes.

"your skin is like rose petals. Soft and silky and delicate like the moonlight on a newborn's bottom. And I love you. I love you!" Jacob was licking on leah's neck.

"Jacob" she said and sat on him. Then began to ride.

"ohhh yeaaaahhhh leah! Oh fuck oh oh oh oh oh hohoho…our skin is going to melt together and fuse for life and we will forever be one being for eternity with love in our fiery hearts," he held her hands.

"jaaaacccooooobbbb," leah wanted to slap him but his magic was strong.

"your smile. Your smile leah that is all I love that is all I see it's like the moon on a dark night your face is like cinnamon honey and milk so creamy and delicious leah you are MINE I love you!" jake roared

"enough Jacob" leah barked

"your soooo wet. Omg how did you get so wet. And you are wet for me! LEAH! Oh cheese is fucking rice! aHHH! My belove leah my love my life my woman my eternal companion oh god…ALICE! Come my darling angel of sunshine please we need you"

and alice was there in vampire speed wearing nothing but oil. "oh, jake!" alice sat on his face and made out with leah

esme came into the room and she was just so hot that jake came. "oh, my. Children, no doing the grown up on Christmas!" she smiled

"you've gotta be fucking kidding me" leah juped off him. "that's it. We are through. Alice. Lets go upstairs."

"shit I thought you would never ask!" alice took leah hand and they ran away

"leah wait!"

"EVERYBODY GATHER AROUND ITS TIME TO OPEN PRESENTS THEN WE GO HOME AND LIVE LIFE LIKE NORMAL AGAIN" Carlisle bust in.

"them hood brothers stole our presents dad." Emmett said

"WELL FUCK THEN LET GO HOME" Carlisle.

An hour later, alice and leah busted through the ceiling from the second floor.

"DAMN" carlise said looking at leah

and then ja'lecobah woke up "no carlisle! Mommy where is my baby brother?"

"oh he's—"

"right heeeerreeeeee," le'jaahcob sang like spongebob. Then he screamed "MOM! Put some clothes on!"

"fuck! You grew up go*dammit why didn't you motherfuckers call me so we could gather around like the sims and watch my baby brother grow up?" ja'lecobah was cranky.

"we are going home. Come everybody!" esme smiled.

On the way home, leah had jacob's 10th child, but then renesmee had number 11. He was doomed.


	20. end

**No. Not these I own. No.**

Chapter 20

When everybody got home there was a big surprise! Edward and bella weren't dead after all! They were alive. And waiting for the family at the cullen home.

But nobody cared.

Esme, she smiled.

"okay okay now its time to get ready for the wedding!" alice jumped and sqeauled

"THE WHAT?" Carlisle almost broked his neck! Trying to spin around all fast and shit from surprise.

"didn't jasper tell yall?" alice curious.

"fuck thanks a lot alice it was supposed to be a secret but mom, dad…emmett and i…we have decided that—"

"OH HELL. OH LAWD. JESUS! PLEASE! LAWD JESUS…ANYTHING BUT THIS" Carlisle rolled to the floor.

"we done have decided that we so wanted to help out and extend the cullen home construturally and build more rooms for jacobs kids and build extra rooms for other people and stuff and we want to start tonight" jasper explained

"jasper that would be perfect omg while your at it you should build a room for the wedding!" alice came up to him.

Japer looked into alice eye. "anything for you sis."

"thank you. I love you" they kissed on the mouth and even put some tongue in there.

"wait who the _fuck_ is getting married? Oh. Shit. I'm not in the ghetto no more…I mean, auntie alice who is getting married!" ja'lecobah asked jumping and smiling

"does it matter, sweet precious baby girl? We are all family. And we should accept each other for who we are. Real talk." Ranesmee came and picked up ja'lecobah and gave her 26 kisses just on her eye.

"okay look…now that all you mother fuckers ate santa's cookies, I'm getting more good snacks for the wedding and I am telling you guys right fucking now DON'T EAT THE FUCKING SNACKS THEY ARE FOR THE WEDDING." I bet you can guess who said that

"oh here we go" rose rolled her eye. "alice! GEEZ! When are you going to remove the ice from the kitchen floor!" she called out from the kitchen floor.

"it's staying it's for the wedding" alice said chewing gum.

"WHO IS GETTING MARRIED?" Carlisle asked

"oh shit we left jake's kids in the car!" esme smiled and ran to get dd and them.

"STEVE! Where the fuck have you been man, you've only said like four words this entire time your part of the family too bruh." Emmett.

"I don't beling here. Farewell." Steve disappered.

"he'll be back. He has to come back for the wedding" alice said, already writing down her plans for the wedding.

"ok look seriously. Wedding. Who?" jasper said.

"ok listen up everybody leah and I have an announcement to make" rensacmee said.

"I aint sayin shit you do the talking I'm shy I don't do well talking to a big group of people they all looking at me and shit hell nah" leah said. She was still in ghetto mode but it will go away.

"hold up hold on before you say anything, bella and I have an announce ment." Edward pushed his own daughter off the stage!

Nobody cared. They just pretended to look interested.

"we're getting married!" Edward squealed.

"oh…so the wedding is for you guys" rose stated the facts.

"no. we getting married in Augtembuary." Bella stated the real facts.

And then rensamea slapped bella off the stage clear across to the foosball table. "leah and I are marrying this weekend here at home and you are all invited."

"ohhhh fuck that's so hot do we get to have a bachelor party?" Emmett asked.

"no." somebody said.

"fuck my life" Emmett hung his head.

"places everyone!" alice ran to the center of the stage and everybody joined her, and then everybody bowed including Michelle because she had a part in this story too when she told people that nobody gives a fuck about Edward.

So there you have it. This is the end of the sotry but stay tuned because there is going to be a sequel. It will be about leah and remancsee's wedding!

THE END!

**I hope you enjoyed it. I know I did **


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